| Will today be that day? |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|11:52 am] |
Ive got 15 minutes before I need to go back to the lab and check on my samples. Finally after 2 days of boring shadowing, Im back to getting my hands wet again in the lab!!! :) Im happy because it makes time pass by and occupies my mind so I dont muddle over my stupid results that have already become a foregone conclusion (though I dont know the outcome yet)
Noah (the guy that built the Ark) waited for over 50 years for the providential flood to arrive. In a some warped sense, I feel like Noah, waking up everyday wondering whether today will be the day where my world "floods". However, there are of course some differences, while Noah knew he would not die (because of the ark) , I however have no idea what exactly to expect. In all honesty, Im frankly very tired of harping over spilt milk and Ive been praying for closure. I just want to know how did I fare and if the results slips show disappointing results... I hope to move on. My 3rd year is worth 65% and so its still not too late to buck up and pull up those socks. Its basically make or break year.
Theres been alot of rumours that today will be the day. Basically because today is the day where the bio-medical science students will get theirs... knowing the Biology dept, they probably will not do double jobs and thus there is speculation that today will be the day of reckoning.
I will update this blog later if it is so... and if it is not, expect to read another entry filled with angst and frustration. |
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| false alarm |
[Jul. 20th, 2009|08:25 pm] |
fren gave me wrong info -__-
panic attack all night for nothing. |
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| the truth will be revealed |
[Jul. 19th, 2009|11:44 pm] |
Results will be out tomorrow or wed...
I cant help it but worry even though theres nothing I can do... Im afraid of being disappointed... after all the hardwork this yr |
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| so close so far |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|02:51 pm] |
currently the theme song in my life...
So Close So far- Hoobastank
I wake up all alone, somewhere unfamiliar.
Been gone so many days, I’m losing count.
When I think of home, I see your face.
I know I have to wait…
(Chorus)
So close, yet so far
It’s tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close yet so far
It’s tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you
I miss hearing your laughter
And all the little things
Forgotten what it’s like to hold you
Cause where I am right now so unforgiving
It’s numbing everything
So close, yet so far
It’s tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close yet so far
It’s tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you
So promise
No matter how long it takes for me to get back to you
You’ll wait for me.
I Promise
No matter how far away I go I’ll come back for you
Just wait and see
I miss being at home
I miss your face
Don’t think I can wait...
We’re So close, yet so far
It’s tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close yet so far
It’s tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you
I promise,
It’s tearing me apart
No matter how far away I go I’ll come back for you
I promise
Its tearing me apart
What I would do-
What I would do-
What I would do to be there with you |
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| so close so far |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|11:56 pm] |
So close yet so far. Ive been msnings, skyping and texting her ever since she left for Singapore. I really miss her so badly...
I have been intending to update but somehow I end up procrastinating. This is indeed a serious issue because aside from blogging, I have been making far too many plans without starting any actual work on them. I can list a few off the top of my head, gym, GRE prep, reading and of course blogging.
My results are coming out soon... either friday or monday although my friend who claims to have the inside scoop claims all will be revealed on monday. I am excited yet nervous. I know I wont do as well as I have hope to achieve but nevertheless I want to know how did I fared.. I really hope I do not get any 2.2s (which is akin to a C) for any paper.
I have scheduled my GRE test on the 6th of October which leaves me around 2 months to prepare. While some might see this as ample time, my first practise session resulted in becoming extremely crippled by some of the questions found in the verbal section. Maths was ok but I need more practise as I am rather rusty and have lost the ability to think abstractly. I suppose this is the reason why the financial world does not value biologists...3 years of cramming vast amounts of hard facts into one's brain results in the lessen ability to question and analyse results. In all honesty, I am glad that I have forced myself to be exposed to the labs because it is a far cry from the bullshit that my undergraduate lab sessions (so far) entails. True research requires thinking and application of knowledge because the results one gets (usually from gel electrophoresis) is never standardised and stupid weird bands appear all over the place. Hence one needs to harness his knowledge in biology (usually molecular) to understand what is going on.
On to a lighter entry which has not been seen in this blog for ages. I woke up this morning to use the toilet and was requested by one of the girls in the house to allow her to use the facilities first. I agreed since I had the time and I had assumed she was going in to pee. Her quick exit from the toilet confirmed my notions. However I was wrong. The toilet stank as if there were 10 rotting bodies inside!!! Never in my life have I ever smelt such crap in my life... and to be released by this tiny girl who is not even half my weight and at such speed! Amazing indeed!
The term "small and deadly" never meant to much to me until now. |
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| the aftermath- key events |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|01:32 am] |
I havent been able to update fully ever since I finished my exams because once my exams were done, a few things had to be settled and a few of them really got me slightly pissed off. In a bid to make things easier for me, I shall just list them down under several headings. This also allows me to refrain from having to think how can I link all the paragraphs together in one continous flow... I guess it would be good practise... but as all those cliche movies like to say "not today brother... not today."
Storage
My house goes by a yearly contract and so we have to pay rent in the summer even though we are not around. To offset the costs, my household decided to offer space for our friends to store their stuff during the summer for a nominal fee. This was actually a brilliant idea because we managed to find 30 customers and that helped us pay off at least half of our summer rent. The problem was that everyone wanted to store their things during my exam week and to make things worse, my house mates all left during my exam week.
Im not saying that they didnt help while they were around, but when it was the real critical period which was my exam period, they were not around and I constantly had to entertain annoying people who wanted to store one or two more boxes. Though I dont think it was this slight disturbance that caused me to experience 3 disappointing examinations (really not looking forward to results day), I cant help but wonder whether I would have been in a more relaxed mode / focused state without it. Some might argue focusing is a state of mind which I suscribe to also.
exams
My exams went horrible. To clarify matters, Im pretty confident that I will pass my papers. Unfortunately, I highly doubt if I can attain the standards that I had set out to achieve. Its disappointing because the exams were not hard and I put in alot of preparation. I even spotted the correct questions! I can safely say my 3rd paper was a gonner due to poor time management but for the other 2 papers...until now, I still ask myself what went wrong? Was it my notes, should I have started memorising earlier? Did I start revision too early which lead to a burnout perhaps? Too many un-neccessary breaks?
To make matters worse, right after the exams, I somehow managed to lock myself out of my house. It was probably the lowest point of my week. All my house mates had already left for singapore and I didnt know who to call or what to do. In the end, I settled to pay a locksmith 150 pounds for his services. My landlord was in a pub (typical englishman) and was "unfit" to drive down to central london but he "assured" me on the phone that I was not being cheated or anything. Nevertheless, I had problems sleeping that night. I was upset for being so careless about the keys and the recent bungled examinations didnt help.
leaving on a jet plane
So she's back in singapore now. I sent her off and I think it was extremely difficult to keep an emotionless face when we left each other. I felt sad because I really wanted to spend some care-free time with her in singapore. Our time together in London was fun but it was constantly plagued with reminders of schoolwork and other responsibilities. Summer promised to be a more fun time for both of us but I had my internship which basically swallowed 2 out of the 3 months of responsibility-free summer we were allocated.
Im feeling insecure because people have been recently asking her out which isnt exactly mind boggling since she is an amazing girl. What really irks me is that people dont realise that shes with me. Luckily she constantly reassures me that my insecurities are pointless and that I need to learn how to trust her. However its not really an issue of trust... because even though I trust her, I dont trust the people around her. Given our young and fragile our relationship is, I cant help but worry that it might screw up. Alot can happen in 10 weeks, a boy can learn the basic skills of combat in 10 weeks, people cant abort their embryo after 10 weeks... etc..
With constant prayer and faith, I hope I can psych myself to just trust that whatever God's will is, I will accept it. In the mean time, Im just doing whatever I can given this distance barriar.. emails, phone calls, snail mail... delivery of flowers... Thank God for the advancements in doing things online.
The song "Here without you" by 3 doors down is my theme song at this point.
Internship
This week also saw the start of my internship with Dr Coutt's lab. What initially was the notion of a boring 10 week lab job soon became something rather exciting. His team works on viruses found in different fungi species (mycoviruses). Current understanding on these viruses is very limited however what he (and the lab) believes is that perhaps these mycoviruses aid in the fitness & pathology of the fungi and thus if we could understand these aspects, we can actually reduce or increase the pathogenecity of the fungi.
This has a plethora of benefits because certain fungi are used as bio control agents against other fungi so logically speaking, if we knew that the virus aids in its pathogenecity against other fungal species, if we increased the virulence on the fungi via the virus, we can actually enhance the bio-control agent. I also was tasked to aid in studying another fungus which was found to cause fatalities in immuno-compromised patients, these fungi (Aspergillus Fumigatus) were found to contain mycovirueses and perhaps if we can sequence them properly, we might be able to silence these viruses..
I apologise for the bio-talk but I find research very exciting because of the aspects it aims to prove and reveal. Ive been cautioned that fallling in love with the romantic side of research is dangerous because most of the time, failures rather than successes occurs. I dont doubt that... but what I enjoy from the thing as a whole is the tenacity to think and work out what the hell is wrong with the experiment and progression of the research being conducted. Conflicting results can be very disappointing and stressful because of the long time taken to prepare the samples for testing but usually, a sign of positive results usually makes things much more satisfying. Theres also a requirement to keep the brain constantly work which I enjoy as compared to meaningless droning at other sorts of jobs. (Not all but some)
However, I guess it is still too early to decide whether things will go well or will it suck because its just been my first week and so I hope I will continue to get along with my new found collegues. God has blessed me with mentors that do not mind entertaining my (sometimes stupid) questions and are willing to help me all the way. I hope I dont screw up and do my best. I can get abit blur and confused at times but I hope it wont occur...so much as it did during my previous stint with A*star.
with that I conclude my 1st post exam week. Other minor events in my life include
-returning to the gym and running
-wasting it all on high calorie kebab dinners
-moving to a new house for six weeks
-procrastinating on my visa application which I am determined to get it sorted out once and for all once monday begins.
-humanities essay result is out but the bio department doesnt have my transcript -__- |
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| Im not so homesick anymore |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|02:18 am] |
I spoke to my sister today and she told me about how my dad cleared my room stuff, took away the TV, removed the officer's sword off the mantle, threw away all my mums pictures, took away my table and cupboard and put everything important (certs/papers/notes/books) into black plastic bags on one side of my room. Oh and my bed is gone too... just the mattress.
I really should have heard this earlier, it would have made me studied harder and remind me once more how badly I need to be financially independent so that I can get a place of my own. A place where I can be certain things wont go missing. A place I know that my stuff is safe and there wont be some mad lunatic throwing my things away with reasons such as "anyway I paid for everything indirectly so its mine. You live under my house" |
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| online |
[Jun. 23rd, 2009|03:17 am] |
60 people online on my MSN list.
60 people whom I can communicate with the click of a button.
60 people , yet I cant talk to anyone of them.
I should be studying...
the final push.
Its hard when you're feeling a mix of disappointment and frustration ..you know you need to kick yourself out of that rut but you cant seem to do it.
1+ more days. |
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| the lesser of 2 evils |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|06:38 pm] |
Im not sure which is worse...
not studying resulting in not knowing how to do the question but blabbing a whole load of bull that could possibly be related to the answer... probably a second answer twice removed.
or
studying and coming out the exam hall feeling victorious. only to realise in a few fleeting moments how your own notes were wrong and thus you wrote a whole load of bull that could still be possibly related to the answer... probably an uncle in china whom you never knew.
current prediction on exams...
Immunology --> 2.2 (predicted), best case senario 2.1
Virology --> 2.1 (predicted), base case senario 1.1 |
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| updated |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
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I cant believe I spelt "Calm" as "Calmn" -_- |
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| few feelings |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|04:59 pm] |
This entry is going to be real quick because I need to continue my revision. I shall make it a point to blog more often once my exams are up.
1) Worried
Instead of wondering whether Ive done enough revision -_-..I have been wondering why I havent been updating this site despite having the urge to most of the time. Interesting, such thoughts enter my mind before I sleep...after some soul searching last night, Ive concluded that it was because throughout my 2nd year while I was still in the exco, there were alot of personal feelings that were not productive nor healthy. If translated into digital ink, it might bear some problems. As Ive mentioned numerous times, I have no idea who comes here and who reads this but just to be on the safer side of things, I decided to not blog since most of the time, the issues were really heart-felt sensitive issues. However, now that Ive stepped down, I dont really care and once more I can resume my no-holds barred flaming. This seems stupid because it would be like opening a buried can of worms but I guess since most incidents have occured over a month back or so, I can view it in a more restropective and calmn manner.
2)Insulted
I am quite insulted by many friends who think that I am going to church because of Sophia. I think its like taking a piss at my personal relationship with God or in less crude language "a slap to the face". Ive been struggling with my faith ever since I entered the army and its been a series of ups and downs. I guess the awareness became even more apparent in the UK when I found myself surrounded by what I would call "more fervent" christians. I would say not only Sophia but everyone has been spurring me on to take a look at myself and reflect on my actions... basically am I doing what a christian should do. Unfortunately, the answer is No.
Furthermore, theres been alot of controversay about Christianity lately, even in the UK. I would say theres always been controversay about christianity but lately, Ive come to realise there is a need to defend the faith. Im not talking about doing it on an extreme level like having a parade or appearing on national television but rather, having the ability to discuss and share views with people who are not too familiar with the entire truth on christianity. A good example would be evolution vs creation arguements. Especially when it comes to layman discussions. I wont comment on the big gun discussions but what I find from discussions between people on the ground is often there is a certain lack of knowledge. Its like arguing over which is a better garnish, an apple or an orange. You have to know both fruits inside out to make a critical comparison. I find my christian friends not really understanding evolution, on the otherside of the spectrum, most of my sciency friends have little or no knowledge on the bible. What they get is what they hear from youtube...
Im blessed because I have had the opportunity to experience both schools of thought and make an informed decision. However, in all honesty, even my knowledge of evolution is limited but I am trying my best to understand both sides of the arguement. If you ask me I am inclined to believe the bible still despite the presence of what most people argue is "overwhelming evidence". However I accept my my current state of knowledge on the bible is equally weak and I yearn to learn more about Jesus and God and the entire basis of his ultimate sacrifice.
Theres alot of misconception on going to church today. The biggest of which is "IF YOU DONT GO TO CHURCH. GOD WILL NOT BLESS YOU. U WILL HAVE NO MONEY. YOU WILL PERISH IN HELL" such thoughts I must admit once ruled my faith. However I dont have time to explain the changes but I will do so once my exams are over. Probably on a lonely summer night in my summer accommodation.
3) Frustrated
I got back my politics exam grade today. Im not too happy with the overall result but I cant really complain because I knew I did really badly for the exam and so I should be thankful that I still managed to scrape a B.
I dont have my exact marks (until August -_-) but the current grades I have are 2 As and 2Bs. Ive yet to recieve my dissertation grade (another worrying issue) and Ive yet to take my 3 final papers of which the first starts on Friday.
In all honestly, Im just sick of "fire-fighting". This means having to do better in one paper in hope that it makes up or supplements a badly done exam. Im frustrated that I did not get my grades right the first time and it is really annoying me to the core. The upcoming exams are topics which I truly enjoy and a field that I intend to pursue in my entire life and thus I really want to do well in them. Revision has been going fine but Im just worried because I always seem to screw things up. Ive been having uncomfortable dreams about my dissertation also, its worth as much as one of the exams and I really hope I;ll do well in it so that it lessens the damage brought about by my 2Bs. The marks should be out sometime soon and Im hoping for the best. I hope it doesnt add stress or cause me to lose my mental focus.
so that pretty much sums up my feelings in light of my upcoming exams in 3 days time. Now its back to the books! Pray for me people!!! |
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| Acts |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|05:35 am] |
Just for the record, in case I get flamed or get into trouble with the law (you never know these days), the views expressed are entirely my own and I am not part of any fundamentalist or militant group and most importantly, its 530am in the UK so do forgive me if Im not making sense. Im just blogging what Im feeling right now
Anyway..
I have no idea what compelled me to recently read the book "Acts of the Apostles" or commonly known as the chapter "Acts" in the bible. It seems funny that despite being christian for so many years, I have never attempted to read the bible daily.
The book of Acts is written by one of the apostles Luke (although this is debatable) and is a continuation from the Gospel of Luke. In this book, marks the journies of Peter after Jesus's death as well as the transformation of Paul from a Jewish Pharasiee that persecuted christians (this guy really no-holds barred, stone, burned etc..) into one of the most influential proponant of the gospel.
Partly the reason why I think I made myself read this book was due to the string of events that occured in Singapore recently. Namely, the entire AWARE fiasco and the jailing of a christian couple for attempting to evangelise to muslims. Im not saying that they did the right thing but somehow, you kinda get the feeling that the media has been singling out chrisitans. I mean such news does put people away from focusing on the more inherent problems plaging society like the economy, rising prices and gradual decay of society.
Put these events together with recent conversation with friends over the topic of creationism and God. I guess I was looking for some form of spiritual comfort to ease my feelings towards these situations.
I shared with my muslim friend over the recent tussle of Aware where I was rather upset that it evolved into a gay vs christians war where the christians were singled out. He took one look at me and had one thing to say and that was this saga was no different (one can argue less serious) from the september 11th bombings where whole world became slightly biased towards muslims. Heck! they were arresting people with turbans and beards.
Anyway, the point to make in this entry was that despite the great oppression the Apostles recieved from the jews, they continued with their mission work and were not detered. It is good to note that unlike the 2 isolated incidents (the Aware and evangelising saga), the apostles did seek the right channels to spread the word. Unfortunately, mob rule in those days were more effective in swaying a governor's decision and thus the apostles more often or not found themselves in prison. Yet they kept smiling and praising God no matter how hard their situation was. If anyone is interested to know, most of the disciples of Jesus were later crucified themselves as the Jews felt they were going around practising blasphemy.
anyway thats just what I felt like writing down.. my writing is beocming more and more terrible and I think I will have to blog more to improve my english...
more to come soon...
ARGH EXAMS >. |
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| random |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|06:59 am] |
15 days to my exams and revision is well on its way. Im feeling slightly confident that perhaps the first class mark is within reach and all I have to do is keep pressing on. I must admit that I am feeling abit complacent at this point of time but the fact that I know I am feeling complacent means I probably can do something about it.
My body clock is screwed. Its 645am now and I will be going to sleep. I will then wake up around 1300hrs to have my "breakfast" and then continue on with my immunology revision. I am keen to finish it by this week so that I can revise other modules as well as re-revise immunology. The paper is not difficult since there are short answer questions as well as MCQ, however it requires the ability to see the subject as a whole and thus I need to practise these questions to prepare myself and see if I am able to synthesize and synergise what Ive gathered so far. Im abit worried about the essay topic though... with only 3 essay questions to choose from (3 choose 1) and the vast array of subject matters one can talk about in the field of immunology, I have no choice but to ensure that I have ample knowledge on each and every subtopic which literally translates into LOADS TO MEMORY WORK TO DO.
ok back to work. |
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| procrastinators: leaders of tomorrow. |
[May. 25th, 2009|05:42 pm] |
Year 2 has flashed by before my eyes. In just 3 weeks, I will be sitting for my second year finals.
Im feeling really shitty today, its just one of those days where you feel really like shit because you know its a good day to revise but you dont do anything to make full use of this opportunity. |
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| Fever |
[May. 10th, 2009|03:35 am] |
These days I spend almost all my time either doing my revision notes, reading up on graduate schools in the US or cooking my lunch and dinner for the next day. Exams loom in about 7 weeks but yet I fear that I will not be able to do well. Getting a first is no longer just an option, it is a necessity. Ive narrowed the US post-grad schools to 5 choices, John Hopkins, Stanford, Havard, MIT and columbia. Of these choices, Havard seems to have the best and interesting virology PhD programme. However I think I am setting my sights alittle to high but with this goal in mind, I find myself being able to discipline myself to work harder, knowing I have to do whatever I can to make my dream possible. I have to keep praying also and ask God for direction.
I decided to take German again next year as an elective. Although I really wanted to choose european history or philosophy, I couldnt help feeling abit disappointed about my failed attempt when I was year 1 to conquer the german tongue. In fact, I didnt even bother to go for lessons! I guess you could say re-taking german next year is sort of like a choice to redeem what I felt was wasted.
Im really enjoying my module so far although I find it abit worrying that I am not being very productive. 2 lectures a day... not exactly very fantastic...I wonder sometimes if I can reproduce what I digested in a weeks time and the answer is not very well.... I also have not started on my immunology revision despite aiming to start this week, with all this, I am rather disappointed in myself.
I led bible study this week on the book of proverbs and I must say that it was a very hard hitting book. This is because although most proverbs are quite simple to understand, these simple rules for daily christian living can be made complicated in this complex world we live in. However the take home message of the book was saying Wisdom is from God and if you seek wisdom, then it is God whom you should seek. The book also talks about 4 kinds of people, the wise, the fool who chooses to sin blatently, the scorner who scoffs at the truth and the naive or simple minded one. Of the 4, i think most of us choose to be fools or scoffers. Most of us know it but we choose to do the otherwise, justifying ourselves with all kinds of bullshit. I think proverbs rams home a point that we need to be humble and accept God's wisdom, for in all honesty , we are all just fools.
I had an interesting chat with my friend vipul today. He is indeed one extremely smart guy and it was actually a great honor to have such an intelligent friend. He shared with me how he felt that while there was no evidence to doubt the existance of God there was no evidence to prove his existance either. Unfortunately, with the appearance of evolution, he felt it was an acceptable explanation to what we are today. Rather than believe in God the almighty creating everything, he chose the law of probability and chance.
Now Im not condemning vipul or saying he is wrong. In all honesty, I really wished I had answers for him because I felt totally and utterly defeated. This because when we got down to the basics, it once again boiled down to faith. Faith as the book of Hebrews would put it is Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Heb11:1 . However, using the word faith is not enough, everything someone asks a christian a logical question, especially when it pertains to God, we reply "Faith". Now faith is important. It is the CRUX of having a personal relationship with God, but why is it that when we are called to defend our faith, we react so weakly? or at least I did... I felt upset that I could not put to him what I knew and learnt from the bible, as a result He couldnt understand my faith.
its getting late now, I shall continue tomorrow. |
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| im tired. |
[May. 2nd, 2009|02:44 am] |
I handed in my dissertation just a few days ago. This was an important piece of work for me because its weightage was worth a module and it was an opportunityto pull up my average after my disasterous politics exam. In all honestly, Im hoping for a good mark but Im bracing myself for disappointment. After the 3 weeks of research and endless nights staring into the computer screen trying to figure out how do make the content more interesting, it will really be quite heart breaking if I get a crappy mark. However, I realised that the other students who did the same topic as I did, had a more specific and interesting focus while my scope was unoriginal, boring and all too easy for the tutor to pick out mistakes.
Ive back slided lately. Ive been less devoted to God's word and becoming increasingly vulgar once more. I need to pray and buck up my spiritual life. Im honestly quite disappointed with myself over alot of things lately but I havent been praying about it and I have myself to blame for trying to take things into my own hands. I need to remember who is in control of my life and that I just need to do my best and trust that God will provide.
Anyway, exams are nearing! so Im off to do more mugging. No results = no future. |
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| opportunities |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|01:17 am] |
Im feeling abit disappointed and worried. I did some calculations and realised that even though I did rather well for my Jan exams (2As and 1 B), I still might not get a first class if I happen to screw any final exam up. This was because of my recent humanities exam, Politics where I sorta misread the question and went off tangent. Im expecting a 2.2 (50-60) mark range now for this module and it will pull down my average significantly. Its a heavy blow to my confidence in light of the upcoming examinations.
Its been a long time since Ive blogged and I still have yet to lighten up the tone of my entries. This entry is suppose to be good news because I was successful in my bursary application. This effectively means that I now have money to survive in the summer when I embark on a 10 week lab attachment with one of the virology labs in Imperial. If my bursary was unsuccessful, I would have no choice but to fly back to singapore and email my supervisor to apologise for not being able to take the opportunity he had offered me.
Unfortunately 10 weeks in London would mean 10 weeks away from her. This sucks. I guess it would be a good time for some one to come and slap me in the face and remind me of how I have become so weak and needy. Whatever happenend to the man who called himself a global citizen and said that career is everything to a man? Somehow He has vanished and in his stead is this guy who fears lonliness and rejection!!
However I am trying to stay positive because this is a good chance for me to see if I am really interested in virology research. Unlike my tenure at A star, I will be allowed to do a mini-project and perhaps it will be good training for my FYP also. Working in the lab again during summer again will also mean that my practical skills will not go rusty!!!
In all honesty,I see a tough road ahead. I have one more module in a weeks time, followed by intense revision, this is followed by the exams and then 10 weeks of seperation anxiety while working with a very tough supervisor (he can be rather mean and sarcastic)in London. I will also need to have the discipline to start figuring out how to apply for post graduate research scholarships and start mugging the GRE. In all honesty, I really find it weird that NUS and NTU requires it for postgraduate education.
Yup you've heard me right folks, NUS and NTU. My dad has made it clear that theres no way he will support me after my expensive Bsc and thus I really need to find a way to support my postgrad studies. The road ahead is gonna be tough but Im finally glad I know what I want... this is at least a form of comfort in all of this current uncertainty |
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| disappointed. |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|04:56 pm] |
My cousin came to London a few weeks back but did not even bother to contact me despite me and him being virtually online almost everyday.
It would be nice and refreshing to see a kin or someone whom you know as family in cold London but alas it was not to be.
This relevation reminds me of the truth that no matter how much I think I can beat loneliness and comfort myself with all that crap about family and shit..
I am ultimately alone.
haiz. |
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| 24. |
[Feb. 18th, 2009|11:55 pm] |
Alot has happenend since I last blogged. I wrote a reflections entry but its not quite completed as of yet. Somehow the need to blog has died but Im not really done with this site. Although I dont think I will ever understand how the internet works, what I do know is years of memories, feelings and secret reflections (the irony is that its not so secret since its the world wide web) are kept here and it would definitely be a shame to remove it.
It would be almost impossible to do it all in a single entry. However, you my dear reader just needs to know that I am well and that I am coping.
I guess I shall just blog on the most recent happening event in my life. My exams. I would say Im quite satisfied overall on the results although I secretly wished for total excellence. I spent my entire holidays focusing on one particular paper, yet ironically I fared the worst on it. 2 first classes out of 3 (first class= 70 and above). 5 more modules to go. Hopefully I will be able to achieve good grades for the rest- Immunology, Virology and Parasitism.
Its been a week since Ive turned 24. To be honest I feel really like crap. Ive lived for almost a quarter of a century but I feel as though Ive not achieved anything significant in my life. I have little or no savings, I have never experienced true love (although I think I am currently but its not being reciprocated(sp?) the way I wished it was), my future career prospects look bleak and I am still struggling between the old and new me.
People having been telling me how Ive changed. How Ive becomed less carefree, that I have turned into this worry monger that thrives on the uncontrollable issues of life. I do not blame them. I somehow suspect this change due to something important emerging in my life-Her.
I guess when you realise that someone is important to you, the other things start to have little signifcance. I gave up drinking, clubbing, swearing (though I still do it sometimes accidentally) and a whole load of ideals I would have once embraced. Some of my close friends would go as far to say that Ive compromised/denied myself.
Many a times I ask myself whether these feelings I have for her are true. Scientifically speaking, its can be argued that its due to the extreme amount of investment time and feelings on her. However I know that these feelings are true. The fact that I want the best for her, Im not really sure how to explain it... but its just there.
I guess Ive changed in a sense that I now worry for my future because I am not stable. Even though I may not seem like it, I am a very practical person and I view human relationships in a very business like manner. I personally do not believe in altruism, I dont believe people give from the heart without a motive be it good or bad. The only being capable of giving perfect love is God himself, the rest of us as the scripture puts it- fall short from the glory of God.
However saying that, I have never sacrificed so much for a person in my life before. It is both humbling and humiliating at times. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be so subjugated by the affairs of the heart. I always thought I was a strong focused person who could see what present priorities matter... but no, I have become blinded and despite my attempts to change.... they are often futile.
As a result, I have becomed more paranoid on my studies. I am constantly pressured to do well so that I can attest to myself that I am good enough for her. I try to make myself a better person so that I am more "qualified" for her. Heck! Ive even made all kinds of plans for my future so that I can quickly find a job, make enough money so that I can be suitable and around for her.
There is one big problem to these plans that I have-Her.
I am sort of like the talk of town these days. Everyone thinks I am with her now and its just a matter of time. The problem is... I dont know why I cant feel the same way. I cant understand why I cannot be patient. I keep reasoning to myself that good things come to those who wait. But this same stupid fact comes back to haunt me... if shes not even willing to take the first step in being together... if shes not willing to even try... then I am a fool just waiting for the truth to rear its ugly head.
To be honest folks, its no doubt that she likes me but we all know that like does not equate to love and so, to put it in dramatic terms.. I feel like a man dying from cancer, I wake up each day wondering if I can make it through. They say the worst thing to ever do to a dying man is to give him hope. I know its rather stupid to put it in terms of death but somehow I feel that a part of me has already died in a way. I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder wtf is going on, who am I exactly.
This may seem like an anti-climax but to be honest, despite the uncertainty, I am thankful to God for humbling me. The future is uncertain and perhaps this is God's way of teaching me to surrender to his will. Rather then try to fight and take control of the uncontrollable, I should submit to God's will.
Hence, despite feeling practically like shit everyday, I still have a reason to go on because I know that perhaps there is a greater divine purpose in all this.
To all my unbeliever friends, perhaps you will say the simple cliche "Life goes on".
This entry will now randomly end here |
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| THE RETURN |
[Oct. 1st, 2008|09:56 am] |
I fly back to London tonight. Like all other journeys, Ive made it a point to write something in case "anything happens" and this becomes my final words to the world.
My friend Clarissa mentioned something about the transitions. How we had to cut everything in London and restart everything in Singapore. Now we have to do the opposite, return to London to restart the old friendships and cut off the ties in Singapore.
I guess whats troubling me these past few days is the fact that I have alot to do when I go back and Im wondering if I am strong enough to handle everything. To be honest, its just a lack of self confidence at the this point. To put it in layman terms, I know Im just screwing with my mind but I just cant help to stop doing that to myself.
However I found a good bible verse that sort of makes me feel better.
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus - Philippians 4:6-7
Most of you might be bewildered and confused as to why this verse eases the burden on my soul.
I guess if you know my situation at present, you might have an inkling. If you dont, I apologise. Perhaps I will reveal more in future... Online blogging has become a dangerous double edged sword.
Then again if this is really my final entry... then you my dear reader will never know right? *grin* |
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