| forgiveness |
Aug. 17th, 2009|11:58 pm |
I thought Ive finally managed to bury the hatchet and forgive my stepmum. I thought I was different now but the reality was not so. My blood still boils whenever I think about what she did.
I am not making this up... what happenend is a step-by-step account of this incident.
Ten years ago, ironically on father's day. I came home from a swimming lesson with my sister and father. Upon walking into my room, I was shocked to find my room in a mess. My drawers had been ransacked and strewn all over the floor were old photo albums. Albums that contained pictures of my mother when she was still married to my father, pictures when they were dating. My mother and father knew each other when they were 16 but they only got married when they were 24. It still saddens me today when I think about how it was not meant to be.
If it were albums all over the place, I would have let it go, but it was not so. All the photos were torned up. I already knew who had done such a thing. Like an idiot, I went to my father's room and proceeded to knock on the door. The door did not open but a voice replied.. i cant remember if it was my father or my stepmother but the conversation went something like this..
"yes?"
"hi dad.. sorry but did you go into my room? someone took my stuff and threw it all over the place"
I guess looking back this was quite a stupid and sarcastic thing to say.
Anyway there was no response from the door. I then went back to my room where I started to pick up the photos one by one. I called (well embarrassingly, I shouted actually) for my maid to help me. Soon the both of us were picking up torn photographs, I cant really remember what my sister was doing but she was also there. Probably doing the same thing.
Suddenly my stepmum came into the room and she started picking up the photos.
"Hey what are you doing?"
"Im going to throw them away" she repiled without looking at me.
"But this belongs to me..." I replied trying to stop her "hey.. why.. stop"
I would like to state something for the record and interrupt this story. Even though I write stepmum, she was not yet married to my father during this incident. In other words, she was still just my father's girlfriend. She was only officially my stepmum under the eyes of the law when I was turning 17.
My stepmum stopped and she looked at me with an expression that I will never forget. Ive never seen her look at me this way before. It was a face with eyes that blazed with fury. I have since then seen this expression countless times but this was the first of the many experiences to come.
she then said " I am not only going to throw them away... I am going to burn them"
Needless to say, a scuffles between me and her broke out. The maid and my father intervene, and I even kicked my step mum I think because she kept crawling to the photos to rip them further.
The next few scenes are a blur to me but I do remember my father berating me. I never understood why and to this day, I still do not know what did I do to deserve a scolding from him. My father said it was because I disobeyed him. He claims that during the exchange of words, he told me to back off but I persisted (who wouldnt?). Hence he was not siding my step-mother but rather, I had made a mistake by disobeying him thus earning him the right to scold me.
This pretty much sums up the incident. My stepmum to this day has never apologised for what she did, and despite my entire extended family trying their best to comfort me by saying that what my stepmum did was wrong...no one said anything to her or my father that what they did was wrong.
Looking back, I think it was a good lesson in teaching me that ultimately... I am on my own in this world and that I really have to depend on myself. Its ironic that I say this given that I am overseas now using my father's money for my tution fees and living expenses.
Nevertheless the point I want to share is that I still feel extremely upset whenever I think of what my stepmum did. I feel worse when I think of what my father did in that situation. Just think, in a situation that is so clear in who is right and wrong and yet my father was able to come up with such a statement...who else can I trust in this world?
This is the part where non-christians will roll their eyes and go "oh please" but I must admit this because I am convinced that all is not lost. I have been recently blessed to have found new friends who would study the bible with me... and after learning more about the biblical scriptures, I have found a new hope in God. I have learnt that he is faithful, thus even if my earthly father forsakes me, I know God never will. Even when I lose faith in him, he forgives and remains faithful. Thus, I too must forgive my stepmum for what she has done to me and the more unspeakable acts she did to my sister.
Its going to be hard. I thought it would be easy, but my recent return to Singapore proved that somethings cant be just forgotten that easily. I will start praying to God to help me forgive her as well as remove the vengence from my heart.
Hopefully someday I will indeed forgive and forget this incident. |
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