| Howdy! |
[Nov. 21st, 2009|02:56 am] |
Its been awhile since Ive updated and much has happenend since then. Im not really sure where to begin and so I will use sub-headings because its almost 3am now and my creativity juices are drying up.
GRE
I panicked during the math section of my exam and score a crappy 640/800. This is a seriously bad score because most people get around 700 on average. To make matters worse, most Singaporeans get full mark 800/800. My only comforting factor was that I managed to score 640 for verbal also, which most people find it hard to achieve. The standard for verbal is much different! Despite having the same score for both math and verbal, my percentile was 57% for math and 90% for verbal respectively. Unfortunately, despite this comforting fact tha my english is better than most people (you might disagree since you find my spelling and grammer totally rubbish), the fact that my maths was 57% percentile means I need to retake the GRE.
I am scheduled to retake it on the 1st which is 9 days away. In terms of revision, I am slowly improving in math and this is noticable in my practise marks. Prior to my 1st test in Nov, my maths scores were constantly 60-70%, now I am achieveing around 80% which is more comfortating and confidence-boosting. Ive also figured out my weaknesses which is mainly arthimatic and probability and I wish there was a popular bookstore around so that I can buy a O level TYS to brush up my maths.
applications
As a result of re-taking the GRE, my US applications have been slightly screwed. Luckily, most of the deadlines fall in Mid-Dec and I am hoping that I do sufficiently well before I submit my results. In terms of UK applications, I will be submitting them next week. However, Im not sure if I will be even shortlisted for an interview...
school
In terms of school, 3rd year has been rather tough. The first module was medical microbiology which I was really looking forward to. Unfortunately it was more medical rather than biological and this got me slightly disappointed. During this period, I spent more time focusing on my GRE rather than my coursework which resulted in a last minute marathon for 2 reports. Hopefully, I will get a decent mark... Theres also a need to revise the lectures which I have not done so and am unsure if I am able to recall everything when the time comes...
Theres actually so much on my mind now... I think I should sleep.. I will try to update properly the next time.. |
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| regret |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|07:46 pm] |
Life is too short for regrets yet...
I regret not working harder for my GRE during the summer.
I regret not spending abit of time everyday memorising abit of the entire verb list.
I regret not listening to my maths tutor back in O level and A levels about being able to comprehend the basics of Algebra.
4 more days to my GRE... Im aiming for a really good score of 1400 and above, yet my score still hoovers around the 1100 to low 1200 range...
Im scared. |
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| dancing into the boulevard of broken dreams. |
[Oct. 14th, 2009|10:32 pm] |
All I ask for is a little bit of loving care back. Perhaps a call at night or most importantly, some reassurance.
Indeed, Some reassurance would be nice.
But social rules dictate that I treat such needs as "silly".
I hate being so weak. |
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| something I came across today while doing QT |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|12:34 am] |
Affliction that is not painful and involves no struggle is no affliction at all. The man of the world turns to anything and everything that can give him comfort in the midst of affliction. The gambler holds his lottery tickets in his hands and says, "This is my comfort." The drunkard lifts his glass and sings, "This is my comfort." The smoker exhales the cigarette smoke like a "dragon" and says, "This is my comfort." Still others will pick up their family portrait or bank passbooks or credit cards and say, "This is my comfort." How many will hold up his Bible and say, "This is my comfort"? Perhaps not even pastors or preachers truly do it though they preach it!
Although we do not know what the psalmist's affliction is, he says the Word of God is his comfort. The context of the psalm seems to point to some political conflict that David was facing. Whatever it is, he found comfort in God and His Word. He is likened to a man who was completely lost in the jungle until a navigator came to his rescue and led him to safety. When lost, it is so easy to give up and wallow in self-despair. This is when comfort needs to come in and do its work. God's Word is like a road map that shows us the way out. The Spirit of God is like a torch that lights up the path before us. What a great comfort! Thank God for His Spirit and His Word.
Comfort is desirable at all times. Many are unable to find comfort in troubled times. This must not be so for us who are children of God because we have God's promise: "I will not leave you comfortless"
(John 14:18 ). Spurgeon says, "Some have comfort and no affliction, others have affliction and no comfort; but the saints have comfort in their affliction." Oh, what a great comfort to every weary soul in his affliction who is absolutely safe in the hands of his God. May God help us. Amen. |
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| buying time |
[Oct. 2nd, 2009|01:35 pm] |
Peer pressure whether positive or negative tends to have the ability to make you forget about yourself. Suppose a girl constantly mixes with a crowd that bitches all day, clubs all night, its just a matter of time before she forgets who she really is. In time, she starts to believe in the ideology of the group and believe that what she wants/suscribes to, is what the group wants also.
If I had a better command of english, I might have interpreted the previous paragraph better but I do hope you (my dear readers) understand the point I was trying to bring across.
Over the past few weeks, I have becomed abit too high-headed. The fact that my current grades can make the cut for schools like Oxford has made me lose sight of how far & how hard Ive worked to come this far. I have forgotten that when people put in 2 solid hours of work, I would need to put in 4 hours. When people say the exam is easy, dont worry! I forget that we are worlds apart in terms of academic intellect and that I require more time to synthesize and process facts/figures etc.
A good example is the GRE. While others have no problems scoring 800/800 for the math section, I am still finding it difficult to get a score over 700! (which is 85% of the qns correct). Its quite humiliating to speak to people about this problem because they dont have such a problem, however that doesnt mean it is not MY problem. It is a an issue and it can be solved. With much deliberation, I have decided to postpone my GRE to the end of this month (i have done so already and it costed me US50 bucks), so that I have more time to practise for my math and improve on it. Im pretty sure I can do well for the math section and I aim to practise more.
This entry is written to remind myself that everytime I think its going to be easy, I should slap myself with a frozen salmon and re-consider my thoughts. The road to success (depends on how you define it also) is different for everyone.
enough random thoughts for now. |
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| annoyed |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|11:35 am] |
I am abit disappointed and rather annoyed with my internship supervisor. He's not exactly a very nice man and in terms of sociable character, he totally sucks. Theres a general rule of thumb when it comes to doing PhD or your final year with him. The rule is DONT HAVE HIM AS YOUR SUPERVISOR.
It was already bad enough I had a lousy MSc student as a mentor. I say lousy because she doesnt even understand the principles of PCR (which actually could be forgiven) but the fact that she was equally clueless over mitigating certain basic procedures like re-optimising enzyme effeciency (i.e u put the enzyme into less optimal Temp then turn up the heat to increase its efficiency) was quite shocking.
Im upset because he promised a reference and has failed to provide one. Its actually ok if he does not want to provide but the fact that he lied to my face about not recieving anything made it more insulting. Online applications these days allow you to register your referee. They then send automated emails to your referee where they can just log in and upload the reference. Initially, I thought that these automated emails were mistaken as spam because he said he did not get anything... however, the emails were NOT recognised as SPAM because another tutor of mine managed to recieve the emails. It is thus very evident that I was lied to.
I am going to school now to remind him... I also have to remind the lazy PhD student to pass me the sequencing order form. Im really disgusted with this lab, thank goodness I was paid during my stint or else I would have been really pissed off. |
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| emo-ing |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|11:31 pm] |
Sometimes it just sucks because the truth is there staring at you and you cant seem to brush it off and continue with denial.
You know that deep down, you are alone and that no matter how friendly and sociable you are, no matter how you try to reach out to your "friends", you know the truth. There is an invisible barriar there, a wall that divides you from them.
Sometimes I wish I had some to-the-gates-of-hell-together friends in London... like friends that my sister has. Friends that will be there for you no matter what. Im really envious she has those kind of friends. |
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| cambridge |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|02:09 am] |
Woke up. Went to cambridge. Got wtf-pwned during the interview.
end. (dont really feel like talking about it) |
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| blessed |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|10:51 pm] |
This post is abit too optimistic for any cynics out there...
When I turned 12 and got my PSLE results, I believed that my life as I knew it was over. Having a score of 206/300, I was ineligible for ANY of my 6 Secondary school choices. To make matters worst, my choices were the top schools, schools that required scores like 250 minimum to be even considered. My aunts and fellow relatives looked at me with disgust and even my own father said that I had disgraced him.
Being from a family whose cousins have all gone to the top flight schools and being warned from a young age about how your life is over if you dont do "well" for your PSLE, I really believed I was a "gone case senario".
However, being in Telok Kurau was the probably the best thing that ever happenend to me. The people there were not the best in terms of academia, but they were talented in so many other ways. Had Singapore then had other avenues of talent grooming, I am sure many of my friends would have been leading a very different life today (thats not to say that their lives are sucky at this point). Furthermore, my teachers believed in me and encouraged me to not let myself be intimidated by the fact that I was from a neighbourhood school. It was a very different setting from what I experienced in JC.
In JC, I could not cope with the heavy time table. Instead of working harder, I gave up. My teachers had every right to dislike me and I do not blame them. However, I am still disgusted by some of them because I did try to make an effort to discuss my options with them and there were times when I went to the staff room in hope that they could explain the theory to me better. I loved biology then but constantly failed. My teacher's reason? I did not follow the KEYWORDS underlined in the notes. I remembered arguing about how the answer is the same just that it was phrase differently.. but if you'd read it, you'd realise its the same thing. The answer is something forever etched in my mind
" the markers in cambridge will just look for key points and go tick tick tick.. ooo keypoint not here... untick"
A level was really about memorising the stuff. Half the time I didnt understand WTF was I learning. Needless to say I performed averaged in my A levels. I had my fair share of As,Bs and Cs. Nothing spectacular and I was prepared to go NUS.
Somehow, I managed to muddled my way into Imperial. If anyone asked me back then if I'd ever imagine myself in London, I would have laughed and call them crazy. I bet even my teachers wouldnt have believed me. I have to admit, I am lucky that my dad could afford it. I shudder to think what would have happenend if I stayed in NUS.
Anyway and the point I want to bring across is that I didnt do very well in Imperial initially (and Im still doing Okay/fine..just slightly above average). However, one thing obviously different in Imperial is that you're not judged on academic per se. My tutors have been very encouraging and they have made me believe that I once more can try to reach for the stars. There are no such things as key words either, alot of independent reading is required and the formulation of your own notes. In many ways, it is similar to what I did during my secondary school days.
I truly thank God that he has blessed me thus far. Thus despite my constant whinings and dis-satisfaction with almost everything, todays entry is dedicated to counting your blessings and realising how lucky I actually am.
The battle against Grad school applications continue... |
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| transition |
[Sep. 11th, 2009|12:45 am] |
Graduate study in the sciences, however, is a very unsentimental education. It requires the intellectual evolution from undergrad who can ace tests of textbook knowledge to original thinker who can initiate and execute research about which the textbooks have yet to be written. What is less often acknowledged is that this intense education involves an equally arduous psychological transition, almost a second rebellious adolescence. The passage from callow, eager-to-please first-year student in awe of an often-famous faculty adviser to confident, independent-minded researcher willing to challenge, and sometimes defy, a mentor is a requisite part of the journey.
~ The New York Times. |
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| update on sci fest |
[Sep. 7th, 2009|07:11 pm] |
I am undecided on whether my participation in this science festival is a good thing. Things turned out to be quite great because I was given ensuite accommodation and loads to freedom to decide what I wanted do. Thus, rather than actually going to the numerous lectures (which are on psychology and neuroscience) the festival had to offer, I decided to use this solitary room as a site for reflection. The past two days have also shown me that I still have what it takes to reach out to people and make friends, its just abit sad however, that my social skills now require some liquid courage in the form of alcohol.
The people Ive been fortunate to meet so far make me squirm. They are so driven and smart and they do know what they are talking about. This makes me feel rather ashamed of myself at times because I seem to only remember random things. For example, the subject of stephen hawkings was brought up and all I could add to the table was how a few weeks back, some dude in the US said Hawkings would die if left to be cared during the NHS (National Health Svcs, Britians welfare health thingy). The funny thing is, Stephen Hawkings lives in Britian and so He IS under the NHS. This comment drew laughter from some obviously but I wished I could have contributed more serious facts.
The only bad thing about this experience at surrey is that I do not have a camera and that there is no internet in the room. However, perhaps that was a good thing or else I would never ever leave my room. I have decided to use these remaining 3 days as wisely as I can... to prepare myself for my upcoming interviews with potential supervisors, work on my personal statement for my university application, recharge from work, do some GRE revision everyday and just enjoy whatever comes my way. I suddenly realise when entering my room on saturday that I have not had a holiday since I became the VP of Singsoc. Even when it was a "holiday", I still had numerous things on my mind.
Its exactly 1 more month to my GRE. In terms of progress, my math is steadily improving and so is my verbal skills however I seem to have problems reading long passages from the computer screen (GRE is now computer based) and thus I need to start doing more reading on computer... (never liked it.. felt headache-ish) |
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| unhealthy |
[Sep. 5th, 2009|11:38 am] |
Ive been living a very unhealthy lifestyle. My weight has reached 101kg again and I can feel my belly each time I sit down. I dont go out and explore London despite the free time I have and instead, I spend my time, reading research papers online, looking at the latest geeky shit happening in the world and working at the lab even on Saturdays and public holidays.
I am becoming a freaking hermit with no life.
I will be going to a science festival today and I am dreading it. It might sound crazy to some but its because I rather go back to the lab and work on my project. Progress on it has been great and Id like to continue my work on it.
I cant believe what Im turning into. |
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| 3 year deja vu |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|11:51 pm] |
Im starting to feel a sense of deja vu. This attachment for some reasons reminds me of the time when I finished OCS and was sent to Ammo Base to be the DYS1 (Manpower officer).
I say so for the following few reasons:
growing fat
Despite my leisure runs and constant training in the army gym... I ultimately grew fat. Similarly now, I am starting to expand enormously. I have no idea how did I manage to drop my weight during the summer of 2008 but what I do know was that I have managed to put it all back. I am once more 100kg... =(
a new life awaits
When I assumed my post, there was around 9-10 months more of Army life. This was an exciting period as I was preparing to apply to the UK for my university education. Alot of time was spent researching topics, checking out schools and trying to find out which schools were worth going to.
For the past 8 weeks, I have been doing the same thing. Research graduate schools, emailing potential supervisors and checking for other sources of scholarships/funding apart from A*star. The difference between then and now is that I have slightly more respectable grades as compared to back then, hence the opportunities for acceptance has increased. However, as Ive mentioned in many entries, there is still the final hurdle and nothing is certain until I complete my degree.
The middleman between Boss and Collegues
Actually this is not something new. I have a tendency to find jobs where no one likes the boss, but somehow, my relationship with my boss (no matter where) is good. This was the case for Army, The singtel stint, citibank, A*star during my 1st year and now!
Actual sharing of plans
I never like sharing my goals and aspirations. It seems like whenever I do share them, it somehow never works out. I blame one person actually... me. I could blame a thousand things for the failure but when the smoke settles and the dust is cleared, I realise I really have no one to blame but myself.
My GRE is in 5 weeks time and I have yet to do any proper revision. In all honesty, I secretly regret registering for the exam in October. I yearn for a break...
I need to remember what my senior said to me
"If you can fuck care what your father thinks about your career life to pursue what you want...you can fuck care anything!" |
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| forgiveness |
[Aug. 17th, 2009|11:58 pm] |
I thought Ive finally managed to bury the hatchet and forgive my stepmum. I thought I was different now but the reality was not so. My blood still boils whenever I think about what she did.
I am not making this up... what happenend is a step-by-step account of this incident.
Ten years ago, ironically on father's day. I came home from a swimming lesson with my sister and father. Upon walking into my room, I was shocked to find my room in a mess. My drawers had been ransacked and strewn all over the floor were old photo albums. Albums that contained pictures of my mother when she was still married to my father, pictures when they were dating. My mother and father knew each other when they were 16 but they only got married when they were 24. It still saddens me today when I think about how it was not meant to be.
If it were albums all over the place, I would have let it go, but it was not so. All the photos were torned up. I already knew who had done such a thing. Like an idiot, I went to my father's room and proceeded to knock on the door. The door did not open but a voice replied.. i cant remember if it was my father or my stepmother but the conversation went something like this..
"yes?"
"hi dad.. sorry but did you go into my room? someone took my stuff and threw it all over the place"
I guess looking back this was quite a stupid and sarcastic thing to say.
Anyway there was no response from the door. I then went back to my room where I started to pick up the photos one by one. I called (well embarrassingly, I shouted actually) for my maid to help me. Soon the both of us were picking up torn photographs, I cant really remember what my sister was doing but she was also there. Probably doing the same thing.
Suddenly my stepmum came into the room and she started picking up the photos.
"Hey what are you doing?"
"Im going to throw them away" she repiled without looking at me.
"But this belongs to me..." I replied trying to stop her "hey.. why.. stop"
I would like to state something for the record and interrupt this story. Even though I write stepmum, she was not yet married to my father during this incident. In other words, she was still just my father's girlfriend. She was only officially my stepmum under the eyes of the law when I was turning 17.
My stepmum stopped and she looked at me with an expression that I will never forget. Ive never seen her look at me this way before. It was a face with eyes that blazed with fury. I have since then seen this expression countless times but this was the first of the many experiences to come.
she then said " I am not only going to throw them away... I am going to burn them"
Needless to say, a scuffles between me and her broke out. The maid and my father intervene, and I even kicked my step mum I think because she kept crawling to the photos to rip them further.
The next few scenes are a blur to me but I do remember my father berating me. I never understood why and to this day, I still do not know what did I do to deserve a scolding from him. My father said it was because I disobeyed him. He claims that during the exchange of words, he told me to back off but I persisted (who wouldnt?). Hence he was not siding my step-mother but rather, I had made a mistake by disobeying him thus earning him the right to scold me.
This pretty much sums up the incident. My stepmum to this day has never apologised for what she did, and despite my entire extended family trying their best to comfort me by saying that what my stepmum did was wrong...no one said anything to her or my father that what they did was wrong.
Looking back, I think it was a good lesson in teaching me that ultimately... I am on my own in this world and that I really have to depend on myself. Its ironic that I say this given that I am overseas now using my father's money for my tution fees and living expenses.
Nevertheless the point I want to share is that I still feel extremely upset whenever I think of what my stepmum did. I feel worse when I think of what my father did in that situation. Just think, in a situation that is so clear in who is right and wrong and yet my father was able to come up with such a statement...who else can I trust in this world?
This is the part where non-christians will roll their eyes and go "oh please" but I must admit this because I am convinced that all is not lost. I have been recently blessed to have found new friends who would study the bible with me... and after learning more about the biblical scriptures, I have found a new hope in God. I have learnt that he is faithful, thus even if my earthly father forsakes me, I know God never will. Even when I lose faith in him, he forgives and remains faithful. Thus, I too must forgive my stepmum for what she has done to me and the more unspeakable acts she did to my sister.
Its going to be hard. I thought it would be easy, but my recent return to Singapore proved that somethings cant be just forgotten that easily. I will start praying to God to help me forgive her as well as remove the vengence from my heart.
Hopefully someday I will indeed forgive and forget this incident. |
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| singapore story |
[Aug. 15th, 2009|02:04 pm] |
I went back to Singapore last week. While the reason I gave to most people was that my 1 year return ticket was expiring and that a 20% refund is not really worth it... the real reason was because I missed her. Furthermore, her 21st birthday was on that week. I somehow felt no delivered present could do the trick... I should go back to wish her happy birthday myself.
I can honestly say 2nd Aug 2009- 9th Aug 2009 was the best week of my life so far. Every single day was spent with her, there were times when I wondered if I was too sticky but since I would be back only for 1 week, I figured wad the heck! Just go with the flow.
and so this was what happenend the whole week
Sunday: Landed and proceeded to her house to surprise her!
Monday: Went with her to Orchard before I brought her to my mum's house.
Tuesday: Spent a day together. Had dinner at ECP.
Wednesday: Went to IMM with her to find a present for her friend. Had dinner with her, her mum, and sis
Thursday: Picked her up from school, went to orchard where we had a light lunch together. Sent her to friends birthday before going home.
Friday: Had lunch with her, escorted her to her friends other party.
Saturday: Dim sum with her family.
Sunday: Dinner with her and my family.
My only regret was that I did not take any pictures to immortalise the moments in print....
It was hard to leave the airport departure gate also. Everytime I think about her with tears at the departure gate, I start to feel a sense of emptiness.... tears even start to form...
I think Im really in love. This is the real deal and it makes me scared to think that I could die any moment and lose this. |
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| 2nd Aug- 9Aug .. 7 days in Paradise |
[Aug. 10th, 2009|01:19 pm] |
I took a week's leave fromt the lab last week to return to sunny Singapore for a week.
it was a fantastic week!
Now that Im back in the UK and feeling extremely emo.. I shall attempt to update..once I get over the jet lag |
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| stupid things |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|03:41 am] |
People do stupid things in the name of love. It really depends on the current relationship status. If she's not into you.. its just plain stupid but if she has a vested interest in you, then it becomes sweet or romantic. A few well known examples include tatooing themselves with the name of their lovers, Donating their livers and the classic flying a great distance (from London to Sg) to surprise them on their birthday or valentines day.
I did the third option. I must admit while i was very excited about the entire set-up, I was abit disappointed with how the entire thing took place when it was crunch time. The reaction wasnt estatic but she was more shocked. I expected her to be more jubilant but she proved to be very docile.
My expectations are ruining this relationship, its making me miserable. I need to be more contented with what I have. |
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| stupidity! |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|06:02 pm] |
Probably only biologists would understand this...
Anyway..
I loaded my samples into the gel tank and noticed that the current was running from -ve to +ve.
I have no idea what sort of stupidity possessed me at that point... but I thought it was wrong... (when it was correct).. So I removed I removed the gel, made new ones before reloading my samples...I even made surethat the current was goin from +ve to -ve.
I only realised my mistake 3 hrs later when i realised the stuff was movin backwards .......
best part is i have no more samples.. I have to re-grow from stock and then redo the 2 day procedure b4 i can run it on a gel again!
YAY
-_- |
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| 1 more year. Make or break. |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|07:43 pm] |
I got the full breakdown of my marks today and I just want to shou "Praise God!!!"...Im quite happy that Ive managed to scrape a low 1st (overall 72). However a 1st is a 1st and thats all that matters. I was slightly annoyed that I got 69 for both Immunology and Politics, both of which were 1 mark away from a 1.1
However theres no time to be complacent because after calculating my score, I realise I still need to get an average of 69 marks across 5 modules next year to get the coveted first. This means there is hardly any room of any mistake or error.
work hard . pray hard.
Indeed I really owe it all to God!! I remember being so demoralised and unfocused at times but a simple prayer often put me back on track... I just need to keep believing and working hard.. it will pay off! |
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| the worst is not over. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|06:26 pm] |
The results are out. God really answered my prayers!!! I cant really complain because the best possible senario (which I predicted) has occured!!! Thankfully, I managed to scrape two As (Virology and Dissertation) and two Bs (Immunology & Parasitism), thus I am not so disappointed although a part of me is chiding myself for allowing myself to be so easily contented.
My only annoyance is that 25 people managed to get an A for immunology which means I must have really bungled the MCQ badly. On the otherhand, I can comfort myself because only 6 people managed to get an A for virology and I managed to be part of that coveted 6.
Overall this year my results are
Applied Molecular Bio: B ( only 4 pple got A)
Bacteriology: A (17 pple got A)
Computing & Satistics : A (77 pple got A)
Politics: B (10 pple got A)
Immunology: B (25 pple got A)
Parasitism: B (No one got an A.. LOL)
Virology: A (6 people got A)
Dissertation: A (27 people got A)
That totals up to 4 As and 4Bs.... there is still hope for that elusive 1.1 after all... Im just not sure if these grades are good enough at this point to attract offers from the better US universities for PHD studies...
Anyway, now its time to hit the GRE books.. stupid A*star scholars , their average around 1450/1600...
how the heck does one top that? O.O |
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